The Challenge of Being A Cool Mum

Granny I'd Like To.... What?

The teen turned fourteen last week and all was well.  She abandoned the idea of a beach/Southsea common party in favour of a very modest little gathering round at our house.  It was just lovely, as I got to keep an eye on them, but didn't have to be involved in everything as they  all stayed in the front room and I hid in the dining room with the food (no pig bone gelatine silver balls this time, bleurgh) and the baby.  Once the baby went to bed, I was able to let my hair down.  Mutton dressed as spam territory or what? Well, they were playing Just Dance on the new Wii and it looked like a lot of fun.



I was an embarrassing fool, shimmying like a geriatric hamster on speed, but luckily the teen has got passed her "Mum, stop it will you?" stage and now encourages me to let out my inner goof ball.  The teen, she is a goof ball too. Is it wrong to "shake it like a Polaroid picture" together?  Or to try (and fail) to do the "running man?"



 What's wrong with attempting to robot dance with a fourteen year old?  Is it bad that my favourite dance move is stolen from Johnny Bravo? Stick your butt out and pump those arms! I have sprung that move on the whole of Southsea, from Little Johnny Russells to The Wedgewood Rooms and everyone finds it funny.  But I can't help feeling that I am getting to the point in my life where it is just a little bit "sad."  I don't want to be a muttony mother and so I have abandoned band t-shirts - because the teen has started wearing them, but I still love fashion.

I spent my younger years trying to look older (damn those youth preserving Asian genes) as I really did feel quite ashamed when people would say, "You don't look old enough to have two children."  Even though, back in Sarawak, twenty one is not such a young age to have been settled down.  A generation ago, it wouldn't have been a problem either, but the other mother's I was networking with when the older two were born were at least a decade older than me.  People made judgements, I know they did, because I did and still do too.  So, I've always had to work really extra hard to bring the children up nicely even though I just wanted to let them run wild.  It worked, they both remember to say "please and thank you " most of the time.  And they are both recipients of academic scholarships.  The teen recently received an honorary Arthur NockScholarship in recognition of her outstanding academic progress during Years 7 and 8 of senior school.  I just hope she keeps it up and  that I don't embarrass her.

I'm a moody Scene kiddddd

But now when people say "Oh, you don't look old enough to have such grown up children," the paranoia has crept in.  I am sure they are saying it out of politeness because they think I am dressed like a wannabe wacky "scene" kid and am sporting more make up than Jodie Marsh's dressing table in an attempt to look younger.

Molecular structures really get me going

The eleven year old is mildly autistic, but he was always just treated as a naughty child. I know that teachers and other parents would look at my son's behaviour and then look at me, and presume that I was young, lower class, uneducated and dare I say it?  Foreign looking, so they presumed that that was why he was the way that he was.  But stepping back and looking at the bigger picture, I knew it couldn't be down to nurture because my daughter was continually top of the class and attending one of the finest academic schools in the country.  I knew it was down to nature and I had a fight to prove it.  We've got there, but it's hard to stay true to yourself.  It's hard to prove yourself in a world where people are expected to conform and judgements are made based on looks and class.  To top it off, I write like an adult and I am well spoken, but I talk like an American teenager with a British accent, "You know like, I was walking down the street and I saw this like car, and in it was my Mum like and she was like, "How are you?"  And I was like, "I'm fine, like, how are you?"  Like, like, like, like, what?  I wish the like habit would just like off! Aaargh.  I am trying very hard not to talk like that any more, but it's very hard, when did it creep so readily into our language?

There is a very fine line between cool mum and sad mum.  I don't want to be either, I just want to be a good Mum, who has a good relationship with all my children. That is the hardest challenge of all, to be a friend, but to be firm and fair.  The best way to do that is to surround your children in love, give them plenty of encouragement and try to help them to empathise with other people.  Actually, no, that is not the hardest challenge of all, the hardest challenge of all is trying to get a kid with Asperger's to show some empathy!

Echoes of Talent in Art and War - Is Talent Genetic?

SIGNS AND SYMBOLS. by G.E. Pallant-Sidaway - my Grandfather

I am lucky and very proud to be able to look at my Grandad's work as an artist as he had this book published back in1953.  He wrote and illustrated this book amongst others to help children understand the origins of signs and symbols.  I say, lucky enough to have this copy - because thanks to the internet - I was able to find the book and buy it off Amazon some years ago.  I day dream about getting published myself and maybe have my books for sale on Amazon - but that day is a long way off.  I have my fingers in too many pies, each one of my projects are only half baked and if they were hoping for a splash of custard - then there's no chance - although there might be a little veggie gravy coming to the faux meat ones.

Guernica by Picasso (click for an interactive explanation of the picture)

The front cover of my Grandfather's book is beautifully illustrated, two of my old school teachers who were educated by him at Sir William Turner's Grammar School, Coatham both told me that he was an incredible man.  When teaching Geography - he was able to draw an accurate and detailed map of Great Britain, free hand on the black board using chalk.  That is quite something isn't it?  But as fabulous as that story is - and as wonderful as his illustrations are - it is still depicting a most atrocious and horrible thing.  

War.

As a child in the 70s and 80s I was terrified that we might go in to battle.  Or someone in another country would just push a button and send a nuclear missile over to the UK.  How easy would it be to win a war like that?  With no word of warning the button is pressed and "boom" the whole of Britain is gone, there, that was easy - war won.  We wouldn't stand a chance.

I'm not so scared now...  We're pretty fortunate in the UK, many families around the world in places like  Sierra Leone and Iraq have had their lives wrecked and torn apart by war.  When I'm feeling sorry for myself because everything in my chaotic family life has got on top of me, I try to remind myself of these poor people and what those parents are going through which quickly helps me to get things into perspective.

In stark contrast to my Grandad's detailed almost romantic depiction of war with it's knights in shining armour and boldly draped brightly coloured horses is Picasso's Guernica.  This epic piece created by Picasso to represent the atrocities he witnessed during the Spanish Civil war 1936-1939 serves as an excellent understanding of just how disturbing the effects of war are.  Click on the link above for a fully interactive explanation of Guernica, a Spanish Basque town where 1600 innocent people were mercilessly killed by the Nazis in 1937.  The sharp piercing scream of the woman holding her dead baby leaps out at you for a moment of unpleasant empathy.  

Picasso deliberately chose greys and blacks for this painting to further depict the bleakness of what happened.  Picasso was a truly gifted talent - he was able to paint draw and sculpt in a number of different ways his neo-classical paintings were exquisite but he constantly reinvented his styles going from the red period, to the blue period to "Cubism" to a more "Classic" style and back to a more sophisticated style of "Cubism" again as well as purveing new ways of printing and sculpting -  he could have taught Madonna a thing or two about re-invention I tell thee.  This incredible ability  (and his love of the stripy Breton t-shirt)  is what makes Picasso stand out - there is something for art lovers of all genres in his immense collection.

So back to WAR, huh, good God y'all what is it good for....? Absolutely nothing.....  Say it again .  Yes,  Edwin Starr sums up my feelings on the subject of war.  But for my dear Grandfather artist, historian, heraldry expert, it was an integral part of his art and a fascinating aspect of his life's work.  Much of the history we learn is based around dates when wars took place.

C16th Century Knight By George Evelyn Pallant-Sidaway, just one of a collection of around thirty, three foot high soldiers and their horses.

His talent enabled him to craft a collection of amazing knights and their armour to show the development of their costumes and the heraldry that went with it.  He was tired of seeing films and plays where the costumes worn were inaccurate as film makers often chose any old hat and popped a shield in the hands of the actors when as far as my Grandfather was concerned. It just wan't good enough.  He would spend hours explaining the intricacies of each coat of arms, the shape of the shields and the style of helmets to me and boy was I bored.  I was okay at art.  but I wasn't particularly good at drawing and the subject of heraldry and ancient war was just not in my bag whatsoever.  I liked ballet and my friend's guinea pigs and writing stories about school girls.  I am a Jill-of-all-trades - mistress of none. (Those pies I have my fingers in are all luke warm by the way so there's no chance of them getting burnt.) I really wished I had paid more attention now though, because after spending some years at various museums, Grandad's Army is homeless and the notes have been lost - so nobody knows what order they go in or how all the pieces should be put together.  It's such a shame because Grandad passed away in 1994 aged 90, still going strong of course and working as an artist with all his faculties firmly in place and not one of his four remaining children or any of his grandchildren are able to continue his work. 

George Evelyn Pallant-Sidaway at Sir William Turners Grammar School in 1965

Bizarrely though, two generations later without any influence from my Grandfather but with plenty of influence from Tolkien's books and with just a little (more than is probably acceptable)  influence from strategy computer war games, came my son.  Who despite living in a world where the other boys like football and MSN and chasing pre-teen girls, has developed a remarkable talent for drawing very good knight and horses and medieval scenes of war.

Sir Lancelot by my son Aged 11

I am hoping that he will continue with his interest which began when he was around 6 or 7 years old and maybe one day, he will be able to look at Grandad's soldiers and piece them together on the correct time-line. 

His specialist subject is not heraldry though, it's  "The Roman's"  he knows an incredible amount of facts about them, some interesting some banal, which is quite remarkable when you listen to him talking.  Which has lead me to wonder if my Grandad's talent has skipped a few generations and manifested itself in my son's genes all these years later.

There's no way of knowing as we all share the same DNA and family traits will inevitably pass down.  My son also has a love of classical music, which he was introduced to by me and I in turn was introduced to by my Father.  While my daughter loves The Beatles, which she was introduced to by me and I was introduced to by my Mother.  So these are not genetic gifts these are influences of nurture.  Do you have anyone in your family who was particularly good at something which seems to be being replicated by someone else further down the line?  Perhaps I am just clutching at straws and finding coincidences and giving them meaning.  It could easily be the boy across the road or one of my friend's nephews who has a great talent for drawing knights.  At which point I would say.  "Isn't he clever," and merely marvel at the talent and not try to pinpoint some inner genetical meaning to it.  One thing is for sure, with the advent of the internet and digital photography, there are many more fooprints and images of our lives to be left behind for our future relatives to look at and examine in the evolution of man and our families.

Charles Darwin's own Grandfather Erasmus Darwin left Charles Darwin evidence of his interest in biology, genetics and evolution with an epic poem with philosophical notes that he wrote in 1903 The Temple of Nature  I will leave you with an extract on the natural history of human beings:

Imperious man, who rules the bestial crowd,

Of language, reason, and reflection proud,

With brow erect who scorns this earthly sod,

And styles himself the image of his God;

Arose from rudiments of form and sense,

An embryon point, or microscopic ens!

Headhuntress Loves The Temper Trap - Love Lost

A powerful song with a simple yet utterly brilliant and compelling video. Watch it and then press repeat. The Temper Trap follow up to Sweet Disposition....


Although, this video cleverly depicts teenage angst - it reminds me of the struggle that my little square peg Aspie son has everyday in order to try and fit in with the World around him.  I firmly believe that it is our job to adapt for those who have Autistic spectrum disorders.  We are more flexible, for us it is no bother.  We are all lucky enough not to have to deal with the confusion of a neurological problem.  So it is our responsibility to change not theirs.

Autism Awareness for Southsea and Portsmouth

This poster sums up how I am feeling this week.

If there are any parents in Southsea and Portsmouth with children with Asperger's I'd love to hear from you. There doesn't seem to be a support network round here!

My son was only recently diagnosed even though I have known for years that he has Asperger's. I finally went ahead with the diagnosis because his school were not taking him seriously and I was becoming increasingly angry with the way he was being segregated because of his behaviour instead of being helped.

 He is a very intelligent little boy and fortunately for me he is on the mild side of autistic so he is very loving. But he is dyspraxic which makes him clumsy at sport and he has terrible handwriting which makes literacy difficult for him and his organisational skills are horrific to say the least. This can cause meltdowns at school as well as the rest of it.  Hard work, routine and empathy at home has really helped.  But school continues to be a black hole of problems.  I shall persevere though.  Wish me luck.